Chapter Two: Lost
The excitement of beginning fades after some time and it leaves you with yourself and your work. The emotions have settled and this is where the rubber truly meets the road. It's so easy to lose yourself in it all. Not in both meanings, though. I don't mean to lose yourself in the sense that you are in a whole other world with your work. I mean lose yourself to the point where you have an out of body experience and you don't even recognize the person you stepped out of. Something brings you back. Maybe it's a friendly face, a friend, or maybe it's just the cold water splashing a shock onto your system...
I began my creative journey back in 2015. It really hasn't been that long, but I experienced this heavily. In 2015, I realized I needed an outlet to help manage the stress I felt with my past job. Shortly after beginning, I invested in branding to try to come out of the blocks strong. This is a great idea in theory, but let me tell you, I was all over the place. I changed my colors drastically at one point because I was concerned that I wouldn't be successful with the colors chosen. … What?! Straight up lie. I laugh at myself now, but at the time, I was completely serious. I was lost. I had no clue what direction I wanted to go. I just felt as though I needed to be all in or all out. Why? Well, part of this is because I am that type of person. One of my RD's in college asked me if I could ever be okay with doing multiple things at 50-75 percent, and my answer was absolutely not. That feels like poison to me. I think I even answered it before he could even finish his question. The other part of this is that I looked out of my lane and listened to the lies that followed with doing so. Flash forward 3 years to this past summer where I was hitting a wall. I was frustrated. I was sad. I was confused. I was tired. I was so, so tired. It was then that I knew it was time. It was time for me to take action and make hard decisions. One of which included these questions: will I step away or will I continue on? It took coaching, prayer, journaling, saying no, Editor's Course, and my sweet husband's reassurance for me to get to this point. 3 years of choosing the 'wrong' things to now, where I finally feel as though I am creating from my own heart and creating something that truly fits who I am. And let me tell you, I am all in.
When I look back, I wish it didn't take me as long as it did for this to come around. However, I am thankful for the journey because I learned to wrestle, to dust myself off, and to stand up- strongly- in who I am and what I believe God is bringing me to. Being lost is difficult, especially when you realize you are, but feel as though you have no resources to find yourself. Friend, this is also a lie. Don't believe this. You have people all around you with pieces of your compass. Reach out to them and let them show you a piece. They may also show you a piece of theirs to help you further. Then remember, you may hold a piece of someone else's compass.
You can be found- whether you step away or lean into the dust storm. My current chapter is of me receiving pieces of my compass while leaning into the dust. What's yours?
Pinch Dish by McKinzie Lytle